


Destructive Ways II

by StormyBear30



Series: Destructive Ways [2]
Category: 30 Seconds to Mars
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-14
Updated: 2011-06-14
Packaged: 2017-10-20 10:29:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/211822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30/pseuds/StormyBear30
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The A sequel to Destructive Ways</p>
            </blockquote>





	Destructive Ways II

“Well hello Jared…what a surprise to hear from you after so long” I speak sarcastically into my cell phone as I stand in the dark kitchen of the hotel suite I have been living in for the last several months. I count the seconds mentally as I wait for him to explode across the line and in true Jared fashion he doesn’t disappoint.

“Fuck you mother fucker son of a bitch” His voice booms loudly in my ear, in a long and anger filled drawn out sentence, as I pull it back a bit in order to save my precious hearing. “Where the fuck is he?” He questions me and as much as I would love to prolong the torture and make the man whom at one time I regarded as my best friend in the entire world, I don’t. Jared deserves to be cut to shreds for the way that he hurt me nearly a year ago, for the way that his just discarded my friendship like a used and wadded up tissue, but as much as I want to make him suffer, I know that he is concerned about his brother and so I give him a reprieve. Just a small one.

“He’s sleeping” I torture him just a little; unable to stop the smile of evil that crosses my face because it’s the little things like this that make life worth living.

I hear him hesitate for a moment, I assume he is checking the clock to see what time it is, or maybe he is choosing his sharp words wisely before speaking again, either way it makes me smile once again. “Where the fuck is he?” He demands. “Tomo and I have been looking for him for days now and I know you know where the fuck he is” His voice raises once again and I curb the urge to hang up on him and go back into the bedroom I have been sharing with his brother for the last week.

“He’s ok” I assure once the line goes quiet.

“How the fuck can he be ok when he’s with you? He belongs with his family…the ones who love him” He bites out again in true Jared fashion as I give into my own anger and with a deep breath prepare myself for the battle I know it about to occur, the battle that I know that I will win hands down because despite the fact that the rest of the world is afraid of Jared Leto, I am not.

“The ones that he loves?” I roar into the mouth piece, not caring that I may wake my neighbors or Shannon, because I can not believe the audacity Jared has to speak those words to me. “Are you fucking kidding me? It’s the ones that he loves…you and fucking Tomo that let him get into the state that he is in now” I feel as if my head is about to explode as I grip onto the sink in front of me, a glass I had been drinking water out of earlier, shattered within it as I try to understand when I did that. “He’s been sleeping for days straight because of all the drinking and fucking that you let him fall back into. How could you, the brothers that claim to love let it get this bad? How could you just let him fall back into his destructive ways? He’s so fucking skinny that you can see each and every fucking rib in his chest. You love him so fucking much that you didn’t even notice how bad it was for him? You better hope that I don’t fucking see either you or Tomo because you can fucking bet that you will live to regret it” I scream so loud that my throat cracks before I slam my cell phone shut, hurling it across the room where it bounces off of the cushions of the couch before hitting the floor.

“Someone really needs to talk to you about that temper of yours” I hear Shannon speak as I jerk my head to the left and find him standing there grinning.

“Fuck Shannon…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you” I speak quickly, rubbing my hand across my forehead in order to hide my face and the small ripple of pain I feel ebbing across my brain.

“Have I ever told you how sexy you are whenever you go off on Jared like that?” He teases as he reaches forward and takes that hand and leads me back into the bedroom. “You’re the only one that could ever really talk to him like that and get away with it”

“You think that was sexy…you just wait until I see him face to face” I reply, the anger beginning to surface again as I once again take in a full look at the man that I love and how he is just a shell of what he once was. He doesn’t say anything as he climbs back into bed, holding his hand out to me. I hold back my other anger filled remarks about his brother as I climb onto the bed, laying down beside him. My arms instantly wrap loosely around his neck as he slides over enough to lay his head upon my chest. There are still no words spoken as I continue to hold him, my mind racing as to what I should say or if I should say anything at all.

Shannon takes the decision out of my hands. “It’s not his fault that I allowed myself to get this bad Matt” He speaks softly, his fingers tugging at my shirt in what appears to be a nervous fashion. “He blames you and you blame him and Tomo…but the only person to blame is me. I’m the one who started drinking again. It wasn’t you…Jared or Tomo who forced me to sleep with all those people I slept with. If you want to blame someone…then blame the only one who caused this all…me”

“Shannon…” I whisper his name, tears glistening in my eyes as I watch him roll onto his back, a far off look upon his face.

“I’m just so tired Matt” He speaks again as he shifts his eyes over towards me. “I feel as if I could sleep for a year and it wouldn’t be enough to make me feel strong again. I just feel…” He hesitates for a moment, his eyes finding that same spot on the wall from earlier before they close and the tears finally come. “I just feel so depleted and weak. Do you know what I mean?” He asks, his eyes opening before locking on mine own tearful eyes. “I hate feeling this way. I hate you seeing me like this. I fucking hate me”

There is anger and frustration edged behind those words and for some strange and wondrous reason, it makes my heart skip a beat at the amount of love that I felt could never grow for this man, actually doubles in size. “I like seeing you like this” I speak, shaking my head quickly once I realize how much of an idiot I sound like. “What I mean is that I love the fact that you can be so open and bare like this with me” I reach out and trace my fingers along the contours of his face, his eyes loaded with shame and confusion. “You’re always so tough…so in charge of everything most times that it’s actually nice to see that you’re human Shannon” I smile softly down at him, my fingers still trailing his face gently. “Before…you wouldn’t have ever come to me like this. You wouldn’t have cried in front of me…let me hold you…just be there for you like a lover should”

“You weren’t around long enough for me to try” He says and I know that it’s meant to hurt me, meant to prove to me that he’s still man enough to keep up some of his walls, and yet as much as it stings my heart, I can only nod my head in reply.

“I know…” I speak softly. “I know that I am to blame for a large part of this…and I take full responsibility for that but you knew what I wanted when you and I started this” I pull away, leaning back against the headboard because I honestly don’t know what to say right now and it seems that nether does he as he rolls to his side and away from me. Silence surrounds us again, because his destructive ways are not the only underlying problem here. We have other issues as well, stemming from the very beginning of our relationship.

“What if I can’t give that too you now?” He asks, refusing to look at me, afraid of what he will find in my eyes I am sure.

“Shannon…” I say his name firmly, as I lay my hand upon his shoulder and wait for him to turn and face me. “What are we doing here?” I question, ignoring his as I stare dead into his eyes. “Are you hoping to just start again…picking up where we left off and pretend that all the hurt and pain within the last year doesn’t exist? Do we just pretend nothing has changed…that the love that we still hold for each other will fix the fact that you’re an alcoholic who finds comfort in the arms of perfect strangers for a few hours each time before falling back into your real world of pretend?”

His lips are tight and this, his eyes simmering with pent up rage and anger that I have to force myself not to flinch back in fear of them. He knows my words are true and that I am fighting my own anger and yet I can also see that he doesn’t care as jumps off of the bed, standing before it with his hands upon his hips in a domineering stance. “As opposed to you who ran off and found himself a sweet little girlfriend when his lover wasn’t ready for the commitment he demanded? Better yet…the same man that kept fucking me almost nightly while we were on the road, while that same little girlfriend sat at home and planned your perfect life together. Let’s not pretend that you so fucking perfect Mattie…because you and I both know that you are not” His words are hateful and aimed directly for the heart and he accomplishes said mission, but I refuse to let him see. “You didn’t get what you wanted and so you just fucking left to live your pretend fairy tale life with your fucking princess bride”

“Get out…” I demand, wondering when the hell everything got so fucking out of control.

“With pleasure…” He screams back, eyes wild, spit flying everywhere. “I watch as he grabs his pants off of the back of the chair where they have been laying for the last three days, jerking them on while mumbling incoherent words that I could careless to hear.

“Don’t bother fucking coming back to me either when you get so fucking shit faced that you can’t even remember your own name” I yell in return, storming into the bathroom before slamming the door loudly behind me.

I shower quickly in order for something to do, expecting to find him gone once I am done. Instead I find him sitting on the bed, leaning forward, head in hands. “I don’t know what I expect…or what I want really” He speak and I know it’s the truth as he looks up at me the truth screaming from his eyes. “The only thing I know is that I love you Mattie” He continues, using my nickname, which as expected softens my heart. “I don’t know if I want us to try and get back together or if we even can. I only know that I need help and you are the only one that I trust enough to help me”

I don’t know what he expects me to do and I don’t care because I know we can work though it as the shit comes along. I could be fooling myself, but I choose to stay positive at least for this moment. “Ok…” I reply, tightening the robe I have around me as I crawl back onto the bed, laying on my side as I wait for him to do the same. “Now…we sleep” I speak as he lays down beside me, so far apart that it feels as if there is some great divide between us, one that we may never be able to cross again.

It’s been days since our outburst and not much really has changed. Shannon and I are constantly bickering and snipping at each other, neither one wanting to address the real subject as to why we are both here. My cell phone rings constantly, my voicemail full of messages from Jared threatening to castrate me, arrest me, even kill me if I don’t tell him where his brother is, but I don’t care. The fact of the matter is that as angry and frustrated as I am with Shannon, I know that he isn’t ready to see or even speak to his brother. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t as if I have kidnapped the man and hid him away from the ones that love him. I’ve given him several opportunities to speak to Jared, even got into a huge knock down, drag out fight about it once, but he still refused. I have a feeling there is more to the story then meets the eye, but with Shannon and I barely speaking I doubt that I will ever know the full truth.

Our old friend the silence is once again surrounding us as we sit in the living area, the low murmur of the television our only distraction. My nerves are sharp and on edge and I feel as if I may suffocate if I don’t leave this room soon. My eyes dart around quickly, searching for something, anything, but for what I am not sure. Landing on the refrigerator across the room, a smile crosses my face as I jump up off of the chair I am sitting on. “I need to run to the grocery store” I call out over my shoulder as I grab my wallet from off of the coffee table, stuffing it and my cell phone into my pockets.

He doesn’t say a word as I rush for the door, but his eyes do, those eyes that I can read like a well read book. He knows I need escape, knows that I am lying and thankfully he doesn’t even try to stop me. I feel a rush of freedom as I enter the hallway, leaning against the door as I take a deep breath before practically running for the elevator. I don’t know where I am going as I walk out into sunlight I feel I haven’t seen or felt in years and so I just walk. I walk for hours, my mind racing and conflicted with all that is happening, all that I don’t know. Slowly the sunlight turns into darkness as with a heavy heart I head back towards the hotel. Up ahead I notice a small convenience store, making my way inside once I reach it. I don’t really know what I am doing as I stuff item after item into my hand cart, but I know that I’ve made the owners day as I pay him the near two hundred dollar bill before once again heading back towards the hotel.

He’s sleeping on the couch as I enter and I can’t help but smile as I stand over him and see how peaceful he looks when he’s asleep. “Hey…” He whispers groggily as he opens his eyes and finds me standing above him. “You’ve been gone for hours” There’s no accusation in his voice as he sits up and surveys the many bags sitting on the bar of the kitchen. “I’m starved. What did you buy?” He asks as he gets up and begins to rummage though them.

“Not sure really…” I mumble.

“Yeah…” He says as he shakes his head in understanding before pulling the items out of the bags. Despite my blind shopping I manage to purchase a few edible things as we begin to prepare them in silence, each pretending to ignore the large pack of condoms laying on the end of the kitchen counter. I remember buying those; remember standing before the shelves staring at them for a long time before picking up the box. The truth of the matter is that I’m not sure if I even want to have sex with Shannon at this point anymore, but deep down I know that there is a pretty good shot that it’s going to happen anyway. Our emotions are all fucked up and there are huge secrets laying between us, but in truth we are men, men who love to fuck, no matter what the bullshit.

We decide to order a movie while eating our dinner and as it plays out on the screen in front of me, I have no interest. Instead, I watch as Shannon plays with his food, watch the way that his hand seems to shake slightly as he grips the fork tightly. His eyes are zigzagging back and forth as if unable to focus, a light sheen of sweat breaking out upon his forehead. He’s having withdrawals and as much as he promised that he hadn’t started using drugs again, something tells me that he has. We’ve been this route before and I know the signs and it pisses me off to no end that he’s lied to me again.

“Be right back…” I say as I place my plate on the coffee table before me, not even waiting for him to reply as I head into the bedroom. The room is a mess with mine and Shannon’s clothes strewn all over the floor. I don’t waste any time as I pick up the couple of pairs of jeans that belong to him, searching the pockets frantically. They are empty as I expected they would be because he is to smart for his own good sometimes, but I had to look just the same as I go into full search and destroy mode. I start in the bedroom, going through each dresser drawer, under the bed, along the walls behind the pictures framing them, again finding nothing. My search turns frantic as I rush into the bathroom and do the same there. The drawers are empty and so is the medicine cabinet and yet I keep searching. I know his stash is somewhere and when I find it, there is nothing but hard hitting hell to pay for it.

Tears blur my vision for only a moment before my anger consumes me as I feel along the back of the toilet and find the plastic baggie taped to the back. Anger turns into hurt as I realize once again that Shannon has lied to me as I close my eyes and try to remember to breathe. I don’t know what I should do, well I know what I should do but the question is can I actually do it. “Mattie…” I hear him call my name, my anger quickly replacing the hurt as I hide the bag into my pants pocket before exiting the bathroom. “Everything ok?” He asks, eyeing me suspiciously, but I ignore it and pretend that everything is fine.

“Just had to take a leak” I lie with smile as I walk past him and back into the kitchen. “Dessert?” I ask as he follows me.

“Sure…” He smiles while I search for a plate, waiting until he is sitting back on the couch in front of the TV once again. I am quick with my task as I empty the white powder onto the dark plate, forming four single lines with my finger before tossing the baggie in the trash.

“You’re just going to love this” I smile fakely at him as I hold the plate behind my back.

“I bet I will…” He stops speaking, eyes wide as I place the plate on the coffee table before him. “What?” I question, as he just sits there looking completely dumb founded. “I made this special for you since it seems you can’t get enough of it” I continue to speak, my words over flowing with sarcasm and anger.

“Matt…” He tries to speak again, but I don’t give him a chance as I pick up the plate and dump its matter on top of his head. “Matt…I can explain” He jumps up and tries to touch me, but I can’t deal with it or him as I rush across the room.

“You fucking lied to me” I accuse and he affirms these accusations by the tears and the look of guilt shinning from his eyes. “You told me you weren’t using again. You fucking promised” I continue to scream, rushing away again as he tries to touch me. “Don’t you fucking touch me” I cry out, my own set of tears blazing down my face. “Why?” I ask, when he leans against the wall in what looks like defeat, falling to the floor, crying full force now. “Why would you start using again? You know first hand what this shit can do to people” I remind in full decibels as I recall a night years back when a mutual friend of ours, at an out of control party, died of an overdose right before our very eyes.

“I can’t tell you” He sobs, covering his head with his arms as he continues to sit curled up in a ball against the wall. “You’ll hate me”

“I already hate you” I spit out, not knowing if I really mean the words or not.

I watch as his heart breaks within his chest as he looks up at me, mouth hanging open as sobs inhabit his body. “You can’t hate me Matt” He murmurs into his knees, once again hiding his face so I have to strain to hear him speak. So I do something my mind screams for me not to do…I go and sit down next to him. “Everyone already hates me. Tomo hates me…Jared hates me. You’re the only one left. You can’t hate me Mattie…I’ll kill myself if you do”

“Shannon…” I speak his name softly. “Look at me” I demand when he doesn’t respond. “I said look at me dammit” I yell, forcing him to look at me. “Why does Jared hate you?” I ask, ignoring the killing myself remark because I know that no matter how desperate and destructive Shannon is that he would never actually take his life, or do I. I’m not sure I know that answer to that anymore. “WHY?” I scream louder, because he still hasn’t answered me.

“I…needed it” He seems to be talking more to himself and as much as I want to shake him until he snaps out of it, I pull my own knees into my chest and wait to see how this will play out. “It’s the only way I can forget” He hesitates for a moment as if lost in thought. “Oh god…what I did to him” He starts crying in jagged sobs all over again and as much as it breaks my heart to see him like this, I don’t even try to console him. “He hates me…hates me…hates me” He chants rocking back and forth and I really don’t think that he has any idea that I am here anymore.

“Shannon…” I speak his name carefully, laying my hand upon his arm, jerking it back at the way he flinches away from it. “Jared doesn’t hate you. He’s been looking for you. He’s just worried about you. Whatever you did couldn’t have been that bad. Jared’s your brother and he loves you very…”

“I fucking raped him” He roars, his eyes wide and bloodshot as he jumps up off of the floor and starts tearing through the hotel suite. Nothing is safe as he knocks lamps off of the end tables, those being forced over as well. The large screen TV is next to bear the brunt of his anger as he grabs the plate I had brought his dessert out on and hurls it through the glass. He is like a whirlwind as he destroys everything in his path and all I can do is sit here and try to make sense of what he just said.

The tornado known as Shannon finally falls quiet and it gives me time to think in semi silence, the only sound is his hiccupping sobs from the other side of the room. The beginning of a headache is forming across my temple, but I don’t have time to think about it at the pounding I hear upon the door as well. I already know who it is as I pull myself heavily from the floor and open it. As expected I find security and the manager of the hotel standing before me. I am too exhausted to put up much of a fight as they push their way inside and take in the destruction. Angered words are spoken by the manager as the security guard rushes over towards Shannon. I can’t focus on the pissed off man before me as I watch the guard trying to talk to Shannon, but thankfully he isn’t responding. I don’t need him to say anything that could get us in anymore trouble then we already are. My heart beats frantically within my chest as the security guard runs his hand across the top of Shannon’s head, shooting the manager a knowing look at the white residue he finds there before getting up and walking over to me.

“You have exactly thirty minutes to pack up your belongings and remove yourself and that gentleman from the premises” The manager speaks. “You will be responsible for all the damages Mr. Watcher and banned from this hotel permanently. Mr. Holmes will wait until you are packed and then you and your companion will be escorted out”

What can I do but nod as I walk over to Shannon and literally pick him up off of the floor and carry him into the bedroom. I can hear the two of them whispering, but I can’t make out what they are talking about, however I can guess as I toss Shannon on the bed and begin to shove our things into whatever bags I can find. It takes less then fifteen minutes and I realize for the first time in months just how much of my life I left behind when I left my wife. “Come on Shannon…we have to leave” I say to the unspeaking, unmoving man, taking his hand, praying that he complies and I don’t have to knock his ass out before dragging him out. He doesn’t fight me as I lead, he following, the security guard right behind us.

“You’re lucky that we didn’t call the police” The man speaks as we wait for the elevator to hit the ground floor. “You’ve been a guest here for many months Mr. Watcher with no trouble from you…it is the only reason that we didn’t press any charges”

Again I can only nod as the bell dings, alerting us to the fact that we are on the main floor. Tugging Shannon’s hand once again, I shift the bags on my shoulder and in my other hand and struggle to exit the elevator. “I’m sorry…” I speak to the manager who stands by the desk in wait of us. “I will take care of any expense” He doesn’t say a word, but his eyes dart for the front entrance and I do as he silently asks and leave.

We’ve been driving for twenty minutes and Shannon has yet to speak a word as he stares out the passenger side window. I can’t stop thinking about those last words he spoke to me. **I fucking raped him** Over and over it plays in my head, until I feel as if I might scream. Pulling the car over into an abandoned lot, I turn to face Shannon. “Talk and talk fast or I swear to fuck I will kick you ass out of this car and leave you here” I threaten, again trying to sound like an ass, when my heart is begging for me to take the man I still love into my arms and hold him until all the hurt goes away.

He stares blankly at me for a moment before taking a breath and speaking. “I didn’t mean for it to happen. In fact I don’t really remember much of it…only what happened before and the aftermath…everything else is just a blur” Tears spring to his eyes once again, but he seems to be controlling them as he continues. “We had just finished the Taste of Chaos tour and Jared wanted to go out and celebrate. We went out to a club, just hanging out with some of the other bands and having a good time. Everyone was drinking and getting wasted and that was fine…but then someone brought out the blow and…” He trails off, looking so lost that again I have to fight the urge to hold him. “It had been ages since I had done it and as much as I wanted to say no…I found myself snorting it anyway. I was off in a corner with some roadie from some band I can’t even remember anymore…ready to fuck him right there…but then Jared found me. He was so fucking livid and before I knew what was happening he and Tomo had dragged me out of the club. I don’t know how we made it home…but it all went to hell after that” Tears slide down his face and he wipes at them quickly, but I pretend like I don’t see because what else can I do.

“Go on…” I urge, reaching out and taking his hand against my better judgment.

“Tomo left us alone because he girlfriend had driven up and they were going off on a short vacation before we started touring again” I can feel his hands as they clench around mine, so hard that it becomes painful and yet I say nothing. “I was so coked up that I didn’t know what I was saying or doing. All I remember is Jared yelling at me and telling me how I was wasting my life. He called me a whore and I just lost it. I don’t remember much after that…just that I was so angry and wanted to take it out on him. I guess I must have passed out because when I woke up a few hours later Jared was sitting on the floor curled up in a ball, naked and looking like someone…me…had beat the shit out of him. He wouldn’t talk to me. He only sat there looking utterly petrified and crying so hard as he stared up at me with those huge blue eyes of his. I didn’t know where to go or what to do. I knew you were back in town and heard that you were staying at the hotel and well…you know the rest”

I can only sit here in the car with him, stunned and disgusted at his words. My mind is a mess as I try to come up with something to say or even do and yet I come up with nothing. “If you hurt Jared…then why is he looking for you?” I ask, the only thing I can think of as I try to curb the urge to vomit.

“He’s my brother…he’s doing what he is supposed to do” Shannon speaks plainly, a blank look upon his face. I lose the battle with my stomach as I throw open the car door and exit the contents rather loudly.

My throat burns from the acid, the taste sour and bitter within my mouth as I wipe my lips across my sleeve before speaking again. “So let me get this straight” I speak, my voice sounding hoarse. “You got drugged up…after you promised me that you wouldn’t ever do that shit again. You fell into a rage when you weren’t able to fuck some random roadie from some band that you don’t even know. Then during that rage you’re not sure if you raped your brother or not and then what…minutes…hours later you show up at my hotel and let me fuck you?” I wanted to kick him out of my car so badly, but instead put the car in drive and peeled out of the parking lot.

“Are you going to speak to me at all tonight?” He questions me hours later as we sit in yet another, cheaper hotel. I haven’t spoken a word since we checked in because the fact is that for once in my life I am at a full loss of words. I have no idea what to say to him, how to react to what I’ve learned or what I should even do.

“I don’t think that there is anything more to talk about” I reply as nonchalantly as I can, standing up before making my way towards the bathroom. “I just think we need to sleep and then tomorrow when things are more clear we can decide what has to happen next” I can tell he wants to say something, but I don’t wait to find out what it is as I lock myself behind the closed door and try to come to terms with every fucking thing.

He’s asleep as I exited the bathroom nearly an hour later, leaving him laying on the bed as I walk into the living room, sitting on the beat up couch as I stare at the cell phone I am holding in my hand. I know I have to make this call, know that I have to eat crow and speak to a man that I really don’t want to speak too as I dial the number and wait for him to answer.

“Hello Matthew…” I hear Jared’s voice across the line. He sounds so tired and completely worn out with just those few words spoken and so not the smug bastard I expected him to be.

“Did he…” I trail off, forgetting formalities, because lets face it with all that’s going on right now, there is no need for them. “Did he…” I try again, finding it almost impossible to finish my sentence.

“No…but he fucking tried like hell” He speaks sadly, but the underlying anger is there just the same and fuck if I can’t blame him. I fight an inner battle for about two seconds because of my love for Shannon and Jared allowing him to get to his point, but I keep my mouth shut because I have to know the truth before I can truly be judgmental.

“What the hell happened?” I ask, not wanting to know and yet having some sick fascination in finding out the truth.

“He got drunk…he got high…he tried to rape me” He begins and I can tell that it’s nearly killing him to do so. “Jesus…he had the strengths of ten fucking men” He exhales loudly, my own breath expelling after I find myself holding it. “He had me pinned to the floor…his hands all over me…” Jared stops and I can hear his breath hitch before speaking again. “You were right” He continues, then pauses before going on. “He needs help and he’s needed it for a long time. I was just too blind to see it” He pauses again. I know this is killing Jared to admit and despite everything that has happened between us in the previous year, I can’t help but hold a bit of respect of him once again. “I knew…but I guess I felt that if I ignored it that he would just get better on his own…that he would be strong enough to push past it. He’d been wanting to cut back on the touring…been doing nothing but talking about you and how much he loved and missed you. He told me that he wanted to fight for you…no matter how long it took or what he had to do. I got jealous and added more dates…more appearances. I drove him back to the drinking…the fucking…the drugs” He all out crying now and it breaks my heart to hear my once strong leader falling apart.

I am at a loss of words at first, but then my anger kicks in. “You are not fucking to blame for Shannon falling back into his destructive ways” I declare a bit louder then I intended, waiting to make sure that I haven’t woken Shannon up before I continue. “I love Shannon…Jesus fuck I wish that I didn’t…but he is the only one to blame for this. He could have stood up to you and demanded some free time. He’s demanded time off before and won…but this time for whatever reason he didn’t. He chose to act like a spoiled and very stupid child and fell back into his old ways. You didn’t force the drinking…the fucking or the drugs into his system…he did” Now I am the one that is crying because I now know that no matter what my intentions were at the beginning when Shannon first appeared at my door, I know that there is nothing I can do for him. “He needs help Jared…help that I can’t give him no matter how much I wish that I could. I’ll tell you where he is if you promise to get him into a rehab center. Promise me that no matter how hard he fights you about it…that you will get him the help that he needs” It’s killing me to speak these words, to admit failure for the one that that I love more then anything.

“I promise…” His words are muffled as we cry together over the man that we both love.

“I love him Jared” I speak quickly, my voice ragged and raw and full of so much hurt that I find the mere acting of breathing painful. “I love him so much…no matter how much you thought that he was just a game to me. I know that I hurt him but you have to know that he was always in my heart and no matter what happens now…he will always be my first and only true love”

“Where is he?” Jared asks, either ignoring my words or unable to come up with something nice to say.

Tears bleed from my eyes as I give him the address of the hotel, clicking off the phone as I make my way back into the bedroom. Laying down beside him, I wrap my arms as tightly as I can around him, ghosting soft kisses across his face as he slowly begins to stir. “You know that I love your right?” I whisper and as much as I try to fight the tears I can’t get them to stop flowing.

“I know” He replies with a sad smile, looking up at me with eyes full of knowing. “I promise I won’t fight him when he comes” He says softly, reaching out to cup the side of my face with his hand. “I’m going to get better Mattie and when I do…I’m going to come back for you” I fall apart as he reverses our roles and pulls me into his arms because I know that he heard every word that I spoke to his brother. “I love you too Matt” He whispers against my ear as I continue to crumble into a complete mess of a man.

Jared and Tomo show up thirty minutes later and as promised, Shannon doesn’t put up any fight or resistance. None of them speak a word as he gathers his few belongings and walks out with them. I watch from the doorway, my heart breaking more and more with each step that he takes, but knowing deep down inside that this is what he needs to pull his life back together. Once they are out of sight, I walk back into the empty room, closing the door behind me. My shoulders hit the hard door before I can control them, my ass hitting the carpeted floor as I cry out the contents of my lonely and broken heart.

The End…for now.


End file.
